New year – No rest for the poor

0

Happy New Year!

How was your holidays? Hopefully everyone is safe and sound.

This morning I was reflecting back over the last month wondering what exactly has changed physically/mentally/emotionally. Honestly, very little.

Physically my gut is starting to get most of my chunk and shaving is beginning to get tiresome. Other then that everything else is about the same. Lately I have been getting “Sir” ‘d a lot more so that is a plus!

Mentally – Finding it a bit harder to multitask still. Not sure if this is burnout from working so much or if it is hormones.

Emotionally – This has to be the only area of actual change since my last post. Emotionally I feel much more withdrawn or uncaring. Its…. unearthly. I find myself looking at people while they speak and not giving a hoot about what they are saying. It’s disturbing, really.

More and more I find myself thinking about the future and being pigeonholed into a career that I absolutely loath. I want to start-up my own company, but without the resources that just isn’t going to happen which is causing me serious distress.

Also, I’ve been a complete jerk for the last few weeks. I’ll do or say something then immediately face palm.

Who is this person I’m turning into? Is it me? Because right now I feel like a Neanderthal with modern aspirations.

Dear lord! Someone hit me over the head with a club already.

On that note, I would love to hear what other transmen have had to deal with in their thinking/shift from clear to haze. Please PM me or comment!

Till next time,

Trent

Advertisements

Transgender Day of Remembrance

0

This morning I took public transportation to work. Anytime I get on to a new bus or train I always scan the seats and exits. I’m always surveying what others are holding in their hands and what they might be concealing. Every time I am with the general public my sense of fear far outgrows my self confidence. I have been chased and threatened before. I have been beat up and left out. And why? Because I do not fit into the socially acceptable normalcy of America. I am a transman. I am a transman. I AM A TRANSMAN. What about that statement makes you uncomfortable?  Why does how I feel and look, affect how you will react?

If your someone who also holds fear of the public, then you will also know what its like to hate and love the rules that govern us.
Take for example:

1. Never looking another man directly in the eye unless your speaking to them

2. Blend in with the background

3. Do not bring attention to yourself

4. telling your loud mouth friend to stuff it

5. Bite your tongue, patience could just save your life.

I live by these rules in public. The only rule I have to be lenient on is #4, because my wife (bless her) has no filter for the most part. She feels comfortable in areas with large amount of people of color. While she is in slight danger since she is female and female identified, she does not have the same sense of fear that I have which is something that we both have to work on. Besides that fact, and as I said before, I am always surveying the space I am in. I work in public safety, but once I take off my uniform I feel like a penguin in the Bahamas.

The Huffington Post published this article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/gretchen-peters/if-you-knew-him_b_2154652.html

As Gretchen Peters puts it: “I want to believe that those poor, damned souls who took the lives of the sons and daughters we memorialize this Tuesday were driven by intense fear and self-loathing. I want to believe that their and our brokenness can be healed. I want to believe that we can change the staggeringly high suicide rate among trans people, a statistic that haunts every parent who’s been in my shoes. I do believe that the only way to make this better is to shine a light where no light has been. I believe that by publicly grieving those who’ve died through bigotry and hate, we take a first step toward eradicating it. And when I’m meditating on those lives lost this Nov. 20, I’ll also be sending up a prayer for the “transparents,” that they will never have to know that grief. ”

Lastly, I leave you with one last note: Be safe, be loved, and be human.

-Trent

Halloween Madness! 10-10 to 10-31

0

Happy Halloween everyone, its been about two weeks since I’ve posted. I should have mentioned in my first post that this was going to be a semi-monthly blog. Now that that is settled, on to the good stuff!

Rewinding back to before I started T, there was a very VERY important discussion I had with my wife. We were cuddling in bed after just having an argument. It was so petty that I cannot even remember what it was about. Anyways, we talked about the possible outcomes of Testosterone. I told her point blank that there was going to be days and times when I may just be mad or upset for no apparent reason. That I may have mood swing that could give her whiplash. She’s no stranger to the FTM transition process, one of her closest friends (that she sees as a brother) is a transman. Having that knowledge beforehand has been great, but until I spoke out loud about behaviorism’s changing she didn’t think about how I was going to have those emotional changes.  Without that conversation, we would have had a ton of fights over the last two months. So, your thinking okay Trent, you had this conversation so what? Well, if your in a relationship with someone pre- and post- transition and really in life, communication about everything going on is an absolutely necessary. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been on T, your chemicals are fighting a war over dominance. This causes a lot of unrest within the ways your body deals with different situations. Talk about what your feeling or not feeling. Personally, its been hard for my girl in regards to what I’m not feeling since I’m typically a very emotional person(or was until about a month ago.)

So now here I am, week 8 going into week 9. I have another three weeks before seeing Dr. Maddie of the LA Gay and Lesbian Center. My experience with her has not been unpleasant, she is effective and diligent. Really is a good thing for me since I like to be in and out without the hassle of idle chit chat. I’ve heard negative things about her, but honestly I feel like there are pro’s and con’s of every doctor. She’s “meeting my needs” right now. For me that is good enough.

So, the last week has been my “off” week from the gym. Will be going back tomorrow. I’m loving High Intensity Interval Training. It keeps me motivated and prevents me from getting bored. Also, that insane stretching has led to me growing about half an inch. It makes sense, all of my family has continued to grow until they turned 25. One of the negatives, is that my occasional grey hairs are starting to become a bit of a pain. All the males in my family on my fathers side have had salt and pepper long before they turned 30.

Assuming you have not read my latest post in my personal blog, then the emotional portion shall be touched upon first. As of the last three weeks, I’ve found myself plagued with frustration and sexual tension. Its funny and aggravating. There are times when the smallest of things happens and I’m set off like a rocket with an explosive disposition. Then when the anger is gone, the need and tension sets in at an alarming rate. I sometimes feel like a rabbit in the spring.

Mentally, it seems like my logic is changing. More and more topics are beginning to seem black and white whereas before things could be gray and not matter one bit to me. My stances are even becoming a bit aggressive regarding my point of view. Definitely something that I plan on monitoring.

Physically, as stated before, I’ve grown half an inch. I’ve lost weight. I’ve noticed a slight change in my facial appearance. Sex drive has gone through the roof, and my hair color seems to be changing, almost lighter as if exposed to sun for long periods of time(which is funny since I’m inside most of the day!).

All in all, everything is changing!    haha understatement of the century

Talk to you in two weeks! If you have any specific questions, please feel free to leave it in the comments section or send me a private message.

Till next time,

Mr. Trent