New year – No rest for the poor

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Happy New Year!

How was your holidays? Hopefully everyone is safe and sound.

This morning I was reflecting back over the last month wondering what exactly has changed physically/mentally/emotionally. Honestly, very little.

Physically my gut is starting to get most of my chunk and shaving is beginning to get tiresome. Other then that everything else is about the same. Lately I have been getting “Sir” ‘d a lot more so that is a plus!

Mentally – Finding it a bit harder to multitask still. Not sure if this is burnout from working so much or if it is hormones.

Emotionally – This has to be the only area of actual change since my last post. Emotionally I feel much more withdrawn or uncaring. Its…. unearthly. I find myself looking at people while they speak and not giving a hoot about what they are saying. It’s disturbing, really.

More and more I find myself thinking about the future and being pigeonholed into a career that I absolutely loath. I want to start-up my own company, but without the resources that just isn’t going to happen which is causing me serious distress.

Also, I’ve been a complete jerk for the last few weeks. I’ll do or say something then immediately face palm.

Who is this person I’m turning into? Is it me? Because right now I feel like a Neanderthal with modern aspirations.

Dear lord! Someone hit me over the head with a club already.

On that note, I would love to hear what other transmen have had to deal with in their thinking/shift from clear to haze. Please PM me or comment!

Till next time,

Trent

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3 months

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Good day everyone!

Yesterday (12-06-2012) was my three month appointment with Dr. Maddie of the LAGLC.

I fasted all day since I had to have a cholesterol test done again, last test showed really bad results so we wanted to see what it was without food in my system. Since I’ve been having some bad cramps, Dr. Maddie changed my dosage to .40 from .25 ml.

Cannot recall if I mentioned this, but a few weeks ago I ended up with a bad rash after an injection. I gave the site an extra week to clear up and used my left side two weeks in a row (supposed to alternate thighs every week).

So on TDOR (transgender day of remembrance) I posted my feelings about being thankful for being alive. With the holiday’s approaching I found myself stumbling upon a website entitled: 40 Moms. 40 Messages. (the link will open in a new tab)

If it wasn’t for the T, I probably would have been bawling my eyes out. The messages really struck a cord with me. The holidays are bittersweet- they represent love, family, memories and new beginnings.

I have a lot of terrible memories, but I also have a few that I recall with sincere fondness. Like my grandpa teasing my mom and aunts about how many socks he was receiving this year. (all of his socks end up with holes). Just… a lot of little details about my family that I will miss and my children will never get to experience. Events that can and could only occur at one of my large family’s gatherings with booze, laughter, and chaos. We never coldelded the children or changed how our parties happened. We always, no matter your gender or age, gave the elders a hug and a kiss on the cheek. The kids were taught from an early age to either sit quietly or keep to themselves. While the adults chatted on merrily drinking, eating, and overall just relaxing. I really miss it. I miss hanging out with my cousins and goofing off. I miss hearing the stories my aunts and mother would throw around about their “wild” days back in church school.

And now I’m left living very important milestones without them. I love my wife, don’t get me wrong and her family is nice. It’s just not the same, and will never be the same.

Anyway, back to the link. Basically 40 moms(and a few dad’s) have posted “letters” extending “you” into their family. Yes, it is cyber-wise, but their words are genuine. These parents know that other parents have essentially rejected their own.

The only imperfection to the site, is that I have yet to read a message from a parent of a transperson…

So, this holiday season, I want to write you a letter as your brother.

Dear Holiday Sibling,

I may not know who you are, or where you are. However, I am sending you warm wishes. I pray that you are safe, happy, and loved. I hope you take a moment to yourself to listen to your hearts cries. Know that you are loved. Know that you have people out there that will listen and talk to you. You have people that are on your team and on your side cheering you on.

Sending you warm wishes and a hug,

Trent

Till next time er’body!