New year – No rest for the poor

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Happy New Year!

How was your holidays? Hopefully everyone is safe and sound.

This morning I was reflecting back over the last month wondering what exactly has changed physically/mentally/emotionally. Honestly, very little.

Physically my gut is starting to get most of my chunk and shaving is beginning to get tiresome. Other then that everything else is about the same. Lately I have been getting “Sir” ‘d a lot more so that is a plus!

Mentally – Finding it a bit harder to multitask still. Not sure if this is burnout from working so much or if it is hormones.

Emotionally – This has to be the only area of actual change since my last post. Emotionally I feel much more withdrawn or uncaring. Its…. unearthly. I find myself looking at people while they speak and not giving a hoot about what they are saying. It’s disturbing, really.

More and more I find myself thinking about the future and being pigeonholed into a career that I absolutely loath. I want to start-up my own company, but without the resources that just isn’t going to happen which is causing me serious distress.

Also, I’ve been a complete jerk for the last few weeks. I’ll do or say something then immediately face palm.

Who is this person I’m turning into? Is it me? Because right now I feel like a Neanderthal with modern aspirations.

Dear lord! Someone hit me over the head with a club already.

On that note, I would love to hear what other transmen have had to deal with in their thinking/shift from clear to haze. Please PM me or comment!

Till next time,

Trent

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Transgender Day of Remembrance

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This morning I took public transportation to work. Anytime I get on to a new bus or train I always scan the seats and exits. I’m always surveying what others are holding in their hands and what they might be concealing. Every time I am with the general public my sense of fear far outgrows my self confidence. I have been chased and threatened before. I have been beat up and left out. And why? Because I do not fit into the socially acceptable normalcy of America. I am a transman. I am a transman. I AM A TRANSMAN. What about that statement makes you uncomfortable?  Why does how I feel and look, affect how you will react?

If your someone who also holds fear of the public, then you will also know what its like to hate and love the rules that govern us.
Take for example:

1. Never looking another man directly in the eye unless your speaking to them

2. Blend in with the background

3. Do not bring attention to yourself

4. telling your loud mouth friend to stuff it

5. Bite your tongue, patience could just save your life.

I live by these rules in public. The only rule I have to be lenient on is #4, because my wife (bless her) has no filter for the most part. She feels comfortable in areas with large amount of people of color. While she is in slight danger since she is female and female identified, she does not have the same sense of fear that I have which is something that we both have to work on. Besides that fact, and as I said before, I am always surveying the space I am in. I work in public safety, but once I take off my uniform I feel like a penguin in the Bahamas.

The Huffington Post published this article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/gretchen-peters/if-you-knew-him_b_2154652.html

As Gretchen Peters puts it: “I want to believe that those poor, damned souls who took the lives of the sons and daughters we memorialize this Tuesday were driven by intense fear and self-loathing. I want to believe that their and our brokenness can be healed. I want to believe that we can change the staggeringly high suicide rate among trans people, a statistic that haunts every parent who’s been in my shoes. I do believe that the only way to make this better is to shine a light where no light has been. I believe that by publicly grieving those who’ve died through bigotry and hate, we take a first step toward eradicating it. And when I’m meditating on those lives lost this Nov. 20, I’ll also be sending up a prayer for the “transparents,” that they will never have to know that grief. ”

Lastly, I leave you with one last note: Be safe, be loved, and be human.

-Trent