Febuary 1/2

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So, I’ve been going back and forth over what to post. Finally, I’ve decided to just start this and see where it goes. Lately, it seems like I can’t make up my mind on anything. I want one thing, but crave another? Not sure if that makes sense. For example, it would be like wanting a steak but craving a cheeseburger. My mind and body feel like they are constantly at odds with each other. I feel tense and just wound-up, mentally I want a night out on the town. To feel alive. Physically, physically I just want to masturbate and sleep. Not entirely sure how much of this is T induced and how much of it is burnout. I’m always working or cleaning, or just being a “responsible adult.” When half the time I want to go out and do something other then see a movie and get dinner. I feel… confined. Not in a bad way, just in a ‘I need to leave the house for some fresh air for a sec’ kind of way. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life. I love having a roof over my head, a full time steady job and having a supportive partner. I’m happy with my life the way it is. And this is where my distress come’s in. I’m happy mentally, emotionally, but physically not so much. So, this is where I’m thinking the T come’s in. I feel so much more physical. Like I mentioned, I feel wound-up. I need release, but masturbating isn’t doing it for me. The gym helps, and eating better has improved my well-being. However, I feel like I’m forcing my smiles and laughs. I feel like a caged animal.

Well, I’ll wrap it up here. Hopefully I will have more to mention in the next post.

-Mr. Trent

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Step by step

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Hello everyone! Its that time again, when you get to read the wonderful words written by yours truly =D

Any how, let us go over the changes of moi.

As of last week my facial hair has become darker. Over the course of the last three weeks my acne has increase ten-fold. By ten-fold I mean it is now covering my back and chest. It has become a daily fight to regulate it all. I’ve taken to using my wife’s neutrogena body wash (really makes a difference) at night, and the clairsonic system for my face (high recommend it for anyone else suffering from pizza face pimples).

My hands and back have become intolerable at times. Not sure if this is because of bone-density increasing or if it is unrelated to Testosterone- will be asking my doctor on my 6 month apt on Feb 28th. 

Thinking about that, it blows my mind how fast everything is going. The routine of my T shot on Thursdays makes it much easier to get through the week.

Oddly enough, my phobia of needles has increased. Its getting to a point where when I cannot even look at my wife preparing my needle. The funny part is that this is only when I know I’m getting the injection. With other people it doesn’t even phase me. Anyone else have this happen?

 

On another note, I juice fasted for a while. Best thing I have done this year! I lost 5 ibs and now have the motivation back to get my arse up and running again. For a while there I felt completely unmotivated and just bleh. My voice continues to drop, not sure how much longer it will be like this. I hope it levels out soon, the cracking is terribly annoying. 

Other then that, everything is on the Up and Up.

I apologize for the shortness but things have been super busy lately.

 

Wishing you well,

Mr. Trent 

New year – No rest for the poor

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Happy New Year!

How was your holidays? Hopefully everyone is safe and sound.

This morning I was reflecting back over the last month wondering what exactly has changed physically/mentally/emotionally. Honestly, very little.

Physically my gut is starting to get most of my chunk and shaving is beginning to get tiresome. Other then that everything else is about the same. Lately I have been getting “Sir” ‘d a lot more so that is a plus!

Mentally – Finding it a bit harder to multitask still. Not sure if this is burnout from working so much or if it is hormones.

Emotionally – This has to be the only area of actual change since my last post. Emotionally I feel much more withdrawn or uncaring. Its…. unearthly. I find myself looking at people while they speak and not giving a hoot about what they are saying. It’s disturbing, really.

More and more I find myself thinking about the future and being pigeonholed into a career that I absolutely loath. I want to start-up my own company, but without the resources that just isn’t going to happen which is causing me serious distress.

Also, I’ve been a complete jerk for the last few weeks. I’ll do or say something then immediately face palm.

Who is this person I’m turning into? Is it me? Because right now I feel like a Neanderthal with modern aspirations.

Dear lord! Someone hit me over the head with a club already.

On that note, I would love to hear what other transmen have had to deal with in their thinking/shift from clear to haze. Please PM me or comment!

Till next time,

Trent

3 months

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Good day everyone!

Yesterday (12-06-2012) was my three month appointment with Dr. Maddie of the LAGLC.

I fasted all day since I had to have a cholesterol test done again, last test showed really bad results so we wanted to see what it was without food in my system. Since I’ve been having some bad cramps, Dr. Maddie changed my dosage to .40 from .25 ml.

Cannot recall if I mentioned this, but a few weeks ago I ended up with a bad rash after an injection. I gave the site an extra week to clear up and used my left side two weeks in a row (supposed to alternate thighs every week).

So on TDOR (transgender day of remembrance) I posted my feelings about being thankful for being alive. With the holiday’s approaching I found myself stumbling upon a website entitled: 40 Moms. 40 Messages. (the link will open in a new tab)

If it wasn’t for the T, I probably would have been bawling my eyes out. The messages really struck a cord with me. The holidays are bittersweet- they represent love, family, memories and new beginnings.

I have a lot of terrible memories, but I also have a few that I recall with sincere fondness. Like my grandpa teasing my mom and aunts about how many socks he was receiving this year. (all of his socks end up with holes). Just… a lot of little details about my family that I will miss and my children will never get to experience. Events that can and could only occur at one of my large family’s gatherings with booze, laughter, and chaos. We never coldelded the children or changed how our parties happened. We always, no matter your gender or age, gave the elders a hug and a kiss on the cheek. The kids were taught from an early age to either sit quietly or keep to themselves. While the adults chatted on merrily drinking, eating, and overall just relaxing. I really miss it. I miss hanging out with my cousins and goofing off. I miss hearing the stories my aunts and mother would throw around about their “wild” days back in church school.

And now I’m left living very important milestones without them. I love my wife, don’t get me wrong and her family is nice. It’s just not the same, and will never be the same.

Anyway, back to the link. Basically 40 moms(and a few dad’s) have posted “letters” extending “you” into their family. Yes, it is cyber-wise, but their words are genuine. These parents know that other parents have essentially rejected their own.

The only imperfection to the site, is that I have yet to read a message from a parent of a transperson…

So, this holiday season, I want to write you a letter as your brother.

Dear Holiday Sibling,

I may not know who you are, or where you are. However, I am sending you warm wishes. I pray that you are safe, happy, and loved. I hope you take a moment to yourself to listen to your hearts cries. Know that you are loved. Know that you have people out there that will listen and talk to you. You have people that are on your team and on your side cheering you on.

Sending you warm wishes and a hug,

Trent

Till next time er’body!

Transgender Day of Remembrance

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This morning I took public transportation to work. Anytime I get on to a new bus or train I always scan the seats and exits. I’m always surveying what others are holding in their hands and what they might be concealing. Every time I am with the general public my sense of fear far outgrows my self confidence. I have been chased and threatened before. I have been beat up and left out. And why? Because I do not fit into the socially acceptable normalcy of America. I am a transman. I am a transman. I AM A TRANSMAN. What about that statement makes you uncomfortable?  Why does how I feel and look, affect how you will react?

If your someone who also holds fear of the public, then you will also know what its like to hate and love the rules that govern us.
Take for example:

1. Never looking another man directly in the eye unless your speaking to them

2. Blend in with the background

3. Do not bring attention to yourself

4. telling your loud mouth friend to stuff it

5. Bite your tongue, patience could just save your life.

I live by these rules in public. The only rule I have to be lenient on is #4, because my wife (bless her) has no filter for the most part. She feels comfortable in areas with large amount of people of color. While she is in slight danger since she is female and female identified, she does not have the same sense of fear that I have which is something that we both have to work on. Besides that fact, and as I said before, I am always surveying the space I am in. I work in public safety, but once I take off my uniform I feel like a penguin in the Bahamas.

The Huffington Post published this article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/gretchen-peters/if-you-knew-him_b_2154652.html

As Gretchen Peters puts it: “I want to believe that those poor, damned souls who took the lives of the sons and daughters we memorialize this Tuesday were driven by intense fear and self-loathing. I want to believe that their and our brokenness can be healed. I want to believe that we can change the staggeringly high suicide rate among trans people, a statistic that haunts every parent who’s been in my shoes. I do believe that the only way to make this better is to shine a light where no light has been. I believe that by publicly grieving those who’ve died through bigotry and hate, we take a first step toward eradicating it. And when I’m meditating on those lives lost this Nov. 20, I’ll also be sending up a prayer for the “transparents,” that they will never have to know that grief. ”

Lastly, I leave you with one last note: Be safe, be loved, and be human.

-Trent

Starting Fresh 09-06 to 10-10, 2012

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A few items to cover first. I know many might be appalled by the Frankenstein head. Here is the thing, wrapping your mind around being transgender is really a mind fuck. Now, society only see’s the “gender – benders” or the “tranny’s” most people see us (ftms – mtfs or any non-conforming individuals) as “freaks.” Personally, I want to shatter that illusion. I want to go stealth then come out and say “This is me. I’m not different then the next guy. Well, except I believe in hygiene and sanitation. But i’m still just another guy despite what sits below my belt.” I’m embracing myself for who I am. Not for what society see’s me as, in fact Frankenstein fits perfectly. If you’ve ever read the novel by Shelly, then you’d know he was a gentle man. A misunderstood man that looked different then the “norm” and was instantly hated because of that. All he wanted was love and support. If that shouldn’t be this pages mascot then I really don’t know what does. Anyway, onto the show…

This is officially post number 1 following my changes and experiences as a transman.

On September 06, 2012 I had my first injection (.25 ml) of T.

(*note, I’ll go over some basic terms I use frequently in a bit)

The first 24 hours found me with an anxious restless feeling that did not go away until week 2. Oddly enough this was also when my period decided to visit. For those of you with little to know knowledge on how Testosterone works, it is not a cure-all. In fact it is the opposite starting out. It was slightly distressing and annoying. However, my period only lasted for three days (which is unheard of for me). Since then I have not had it, but there is always a chance of receiving it.

After week 2 I started going to the gym. I’ve been making an attempt to go every day. I’ve refrained from weights, and will continue to only do cardio until my heart is in good condition. I’ve all but cut out grain from my diet and am eating a ton of fruits and veggies. I will not lie, it has been a challenge. I’ve lost about 14 pds since my T-day.

Also, since September, my little guy down there has grown remarkably fast while my voice remains unchanged, my throat is beginning to feel raspy and dry.

Some new physical things I’m grappling with is this insane thirst. I’m drinking a ton of water but can’t seem to hydrate. On that same note, I find myself sweating all the time- from places I didn’t even think could sweat. Anyway, I’ve also found this need to stretch BIG TIME. Every few hours I feel my muscles cramping up. Not plesent when you work in public safety.

Oh yes! On week 3 I came out to my bosses. Well, formally anyway. None were shocked, and they all said to let them know how they can support me in my transition. Even verbally expressing their gratitude for my hard work. They told me that I can work for them as long as I want- they did not care that I was transitioning but had been extremely grateful for the advanced notice before I needed to “start shaving.”

Mentally through all of these changes, I find myself way more at ease. I feel content in a really indescribably way. Sometimes, I find that emotion has all but left me. (if that makes any sense). I haven’t been able to cry, just tear up a little. Anger, frustration, happiness, hornyness, and calm make up the bulk of my feelings these days.

Here are some terms I’ll be using frequently:

Transgender – Identifies someone who do not fit into the gender spectrum traditionally from birth.

T = Inject-able testosterone

T-day – Anniversary of my first injection

Transman- Transgendered male identified individual

FTM – Female – to – Male, see transgender or transman

Transition – In this sense used to describe the physical and mental “transition” through the use of hormones and eventual surgery

All in all everything has been running great with the support of my loving wife and amazing bosses. Until next time!